by When we found out that AJ was going to need his trach, it was hard news to accept all around. It was another procedure. It meant another medical hurdle to learn to maneuver. It meant we wouldn’t hear our baby cry or talk – at least not for a while longer and not normally. But most of all, for me, it meant there was a high chance that he wouldn’t be able to bottle feed, much less breastfeed.
I took for granted how much breastfeeding meant with Averie. Aaron and I never even talked about it before she was born and we just both assumed that she’d breastfeed. Which she did. Like a champ. Until she was about 5 months old. AJ latched twice at St Lukes before he was carted off to NICU and Intubated and had an NG tube placed, and ultimately the G tube went in at the same time as his trach.
I set a goal with AJ to pump until he was at least 3 months old. I hate the pump. I hate having to lug it around. Hate having to stop what I’m working on and find the time to do it. Hate having to schedule meetings and appointments around it. Sometimes it even means missing valuable shopping time sitting in the Target parking lot. It’s an evil machine. A necessary one, and one I’m thankful for. But it’s still evil. One that feels even more evil when you’re not promised tomorrow and instead of holding your baby’s hand and snuggling you’re hooked up to a whirring suction machine. Knowing that it’s best for him helps, but I won’t lie – there are days where I just want to throw the pump away and hold my baby that much more.
Long story short. I passed 3 months, I passed how long I made it with Averie and we are currently aiming for 6 months of living on breastmilk. They do mix it with formula to up the calories. But still.
I had pretty much given up the idea that he would ever breastfeed again. I assumed we’d be stuck with the pump. Then he passed his swallow study last week. He started taking small amounts from bottles. And my mind started to toy with the idea that maybe, just maybe, we could try.
Today we got the all clear from Drs, Nutrition and Speech finalized. AJ is fed every three hours, but skips a feeding at 3 pm, making that a prime time to try. We had a plan – pump first, then see if he will latch on. I was skeptical – but figured it couldn’t hurt to try – even having the skin-to-skin would help milk production anyway. We talked about alternative things to try next – like a nipple shield – if he didn’t latch.
I was worried about how to hold him and all his tubes and wires and manage to get him latched on. I even asked a support group I’m in on Facebook for ideas, though it’s really a pretty rarely done thing to manage breastfeeding with a vent. There were a number who manage with just the trach though.
When the time came – I lifted him out of bed and sat in the chair with just a lot less help than I usually ask for. After a few pillow adjustments and a couple minutes of me
trying to figure out the best way to position myself, it was time to try.
He latched on. Just like he did when he was first born, making it clear that his instinct to feed was still there and any fear of oral aversion getting in the way was quickly gone. 20 minutes later he threw a tantrum when I went to switch sides. AJ doesn’t throw tantrums usually. Another 20 minutes later and it was almost time for his next Round of feeds so I had his nurse get his bottle ready. I took him off, he got cranky again and I popped the bottle in. He then took the largest bottle feeding he’s had to date.
I don’t know how much he ate during those 40 minutes, I know he was suckling at times and wasn’t eating, but I also know it was the best 40 minutes I’ve had in a very long time. Followed by the best hour or so of milk-drunk cuddles.
