by Every year since 2015 this has popped up on my timeline and I’m still as emotionally conflicted now as I have been each of those times.
Having crossed the line into being a medical family, I now look at those 20 week ultrasounds as something different. Nearly everyone thinks of them as that time when you’ll find out the gender of your baby so you can start planning. Painting. Decorating. Deciding on a baby name.
People take their kids. I was one of those people.
But that 20 week ultrasound isn’t a gender scan ultrasound. It’s an anatomy scan. And your babies gender – while amazing to learn – is only one small piece of their anatomy. I look at the parents in my heart family groups who post pictures of their ultrasounds for their next kids — gone are the profile views of the kids and the remarks over whose nose she has, and present are images of hearts and excitement over having all four chambers. It changes your whole perspective.
I remember during this ultrasound that the tech measured and remeasured AJs nuchal fold — a marker for trisomy 21 – multiple times. I was starting to get concerned but she ultimately got a measurement she was satisfied with and carried on. I don’t remember her measuring his heart, though I know she did.
We left the ultrasound appointment with these pictures. Happy to be finding out we were expecting a little boy. (Well, most of us were happy – Averie did actually sulk a little when she didn’t say she was getting a sister 😂).
But there are so, so many families that leave with a referral to a specialist. Or shortly after get a phone call. Or maybe even the bad news immediately.
Sometimes I wish we had found out in advance – we could have planned for delivery in a bigger hospital. Worked out a plan for post birth. There are actually even some procedures that can be done in utero.
Other times I look at my new friends from support groups who do find out in advance and listen to them struggle to be excited. To not live the rest of their pregnancy in fear. To decide if they should even have a baby shower. (The answer to this by the way is ALWAYS yes!)
In the end, I’m a mix of both thankful and angry about not finding out about any of AJs “issues” in advance.
And for my friends who are pregnant now or will be in the future, forgive me when I struggle as you find out your babies genders. It’s an odd thing to struggle with. But somehow it’s one of the things that has continued to tear me apart inside a little. I promise I still love you and am excited for you and your growing family.
